P.J. O'Rourke Quotations Canadians don't deal with the same kind of health care problems and traumas we face. They have a health care system based on treating hockey injuries and curing sinus infections that come from trying to pronounce French vowels.
There's only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
The sexual revolution is over and the microbes won.
One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it's remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver's license.
Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
It's all there in the Declaration of Independence. We are the only nation in the world based on happiness.
The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock? Peace Corps volunteers?
And biotechnology is a worry. What if they take genetic material from wet noodles and blowfish and splice it into politician chromosomes and create a Clinton administration?
Everything that's fun in life is dangerous. Horse races, for instance, are very dangerous. But attempt to design a safe horse and the result is a cow (an appalling animal to watch at the trotters.)
Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.
War will exist as long as there's a food chain.
Personally, I believe a rocking hammock, a good cigar, and a tall gin-and-tonic is the way to save the planet.
I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid.
An hour's perusal of our national charter makes it hard to understand what the argle-bargle is about. The First Amendment forbids infringments of the freedom of speech "except for commercials on children's television" or "unless somebody says '****' in a rap song or 'chick' on a college campus."
Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy the whores are us.
Some people are worried about the difference between right and wrong. I'm worried about the difference between wrong and fun.
Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools...and use it on the teachers.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Smart people don't start many bar fights. But stupid people don't build many hydrogen bombs. Then again, smart people would never drop one. Or would they? It's something we ought to know.
Happy hour is slightly different in the Soviet Union. There are no ice cubes or orange-peel twists in the vodka. Also, it lasts all day.
Maybe a nation that consumes as much booze and dope as we do and has our kind of divorce statistics should pipe down about "character issues."
It's better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than tonight like there's no money.
I...know why most societies don't allow women in combat. Combat is just a battle to the death. You don't want to turn it into something really ugly like a marriage.
Stay away from girls who cry a lot or look like they get pregnant easily or have careers.
Zen martini: A martini with no vermouth at all. And no gin, either.
The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
Never wear anything that panics the cat.
There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.
Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
Modern parents believe toilet training should be an easy and casual affair. Just let the child shit all over everything. This prepares him or her for a brilliant career as a talk show host.
America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.